How Character (Not Tragedy) Makes You Stronger
I used to think my family was cursed.
I remember sitting on my grandma's couch looking at her coffee table. The scratched surface was covered in photos of her kids and grandkids: Every photograph was of someone who had passed away, except the wooden frame of my sister and me. Too many of her kids and grandkids died young. We quickly, and superstitiously, moved our picture to another table.
My dad and his sister always said they “belonged to the same club” of parents who lost a child. Yesterday, I attended her memorial service but I no longer feel cursed.
I walked next to my powerhouse cousin who looked at me and said something I always used to say:
It’s made us stronger.
I used to say the same thing: I got into college based on an essay that started with that sentence. But, if I got to rewrite that essay, I’d replace that line.
I no longer believe that trauma makes us strong.
I took my cousin by the shoulders and said, “Don’t give the pain credit for how strong you are. Others would crumble under less.”
She was born strong.
The tragedy just made her flex
but it didn’t give her those muscles.
Pain might want the credit for all the beauty you have chosen despite it, but don’t give hell the credit.
Pain didn’t teach you a lesson.
Wisdom moved through you during the pain
and you chose to receive it.
Death didn’t give you perspective.
A higher perspective moved through you during death
and you were humble, brave, and desperate enough to open to it.
Let’s stop giving pain, loss, and tragedy the credit.
A “poem” to remind you:
Don’t Give Hell All the Credit
When we experience tragedy we say:
I’m the person I am today because of my trauma
It made me stronger
It brought us together.
When we say this, we give the tragedy credit.
I wish you could feel me grab your shoulders and say:
The tragedy didn’t make you strong
You chose to be strong.
The loss didn’t make you grateful
You chose to be grateful.
Their death didn’t bring you close to god
You chose to find god despite every reason to run.
Hell didn’t make you who you are
You chose who you are
despite hell tempting you to be someone less.
Others would have crumbled.
Others would have burned alive.
Don’t give hell any credit.
Give credit to the people who died
who passed down their grit
or grace
or courage.
Give credit to the Grandma who believed pain’s only remedy is helping someone else
the Dad who helped you summon your inner warrior
the Mom who taught you to listen to your ancestors
who constantly remind you of your strength
your spirit
your inner rebel.
Stop giving hell all the credit
when it was you all along.
Send this to someone you love who's been to hell and back.
Jackie Viramontez
Trauma-Informed Master Trainer
