How to Use Family Drama to Heal Inherited Trauma
Inherited patterns are the ways we learn to think, act or feel from our parents and caregivers.
Maybe your family is badass and they only model the healthiest habits, or maybe they have passed down some not so healthy quirks.
Maybe they talk more than listen.
Maybe they are quick to defend versus apologize.
Maybe they tend to blame others instead of taking responsibility (guilty as charged!)
These quirks (we’ll call them) can be irritating or downright hurtful, but can I share a tip?
What if we asked 3 questions that could turn each habit into a chance to heal inherited trauma?
Inherited Trauma = The idea that our parent's painful memories get passed down from one generation to the next through their stress and the ways they cope with stress.
For example, maybe your mom is super defensive because she grew up with parents who constantly blamed her for their own feelings. Her wound has become a “norm” of defensiveness. It’s hard to tell her how you feel because the poor lady doesn’t know how to apologize. Why? She spent her childhood apologizing for things she didn’t do. Her emotional trauma has become the (annoying) family norm.
Maybe one side of your family carries a buzz or anxiety. You try to tell them about a fun new business venture and they can only respond with all the potential obstacles. Their fear sucks the celebration from the room. These people can’t get excited with you because they watched their own parents try and fail at business. Their poverty mindset makes it hard for them to share hope with you.
How’s Trauma Passed Down?
Through DNA, but more significantly, in subtle ways through broken record stories and worldviews shared over too many glasses of wine.
Most people mindlessly adopt the mindsets as their own, even though they didn’t live through the same trials.
You are not most people.
Note: If you aren’t near (or don’t have) family, you can teleport back to an earlier time when you were picking up on early caregiver dynamics.
The next time you’re with family notice and QUESTION the following 3 signs of inherited trauma.
3 Questions to Pair with EFT Tapping
#1 Spot Family Limiting Beliefs
Ask Yourself: What family mantras am I hearing laced into conversation?
Examples: Don’t trust anyone, You can’t have it all, Don’t be one of THOSE people
Tap and Ask: Do I agree? Is it true for me? Does it serve me? If not, what does serve me?
Reprogram Patterns
Once you spot an inherited family norm, you can reprogram it.
Reprogramming = Questioning any thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that aren’t aligned with who you want to be.
I like to reprogram with EFT/Tapping because the stress-reducing pressure points calm triggering emotions and stimulate creative thinking. As you tap and ask, it supports your brain in releasing fear, frustration, and shame, so you can see the dynamic with more clarity.
Take 10 mindful minutes to tap, release, and question inherited patterns that don’t serve you or your future.
#2 Spot Baseline Moods
Ask Yourself: What energetic mood is the family “norm?”
Examples: irritated, defensive, apologetic, anxious, etc
Tap and ask: How does their mood affect me? Does it make me feel good? If not, what can I do to shake it off? What mood do I want to embody? What is 1 thing I can do to cultivate it now?
#3 Spot How Family Copes with Emotions
Ask Yourself: What’s their go-to reaction when triggered?
Examples: overindulging when stressed, Defensive when insecure, Blame when hurt
Tap and ask: What feeling is under their behavior? What are they afraid to feel? Does this behavior work for them? Does it work for me? If not, how do I WANT to relate to this feeling?
Break the Cycle
Every time you spot and then question the family norm, you break a cycle.
A cycle of fear.
A cycle or limitation.
A cycle of defensiveness.
A cycle of addiction.
Whether your family is badass or bat sh@# crazy, use family time to uplevel your mood, mindset, and behaviors.
I feel grateful for the conscious people out there who are taking today to read this.
In it together,
Jackie Viramontez
Want to break the cycle of limitation?
Join the ranks at the Virtual Healing Inherited Trauma Workshop here.
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