How to Tap Out of Your Kid’s Big Feelings
Your kid’s big emotions are not your fault.
They are not their fault either.
Explosive anger, big tears, and temper tantrums have little to do with parenting and more to do with a kid’s nervous system.
The nervous system is the part of your body that tells your brain if you are safe or unsafe. If safe, it lets you rest and digest. If unsafe, it gears you up to fight, flee, or freeze.
If another kid takes your kid’s toy and they scream, “MINE!!!” they are not “bad kids.” Their nervous system just feels unsafe. It puts them in fight mode.
When your kid loses a belonging to a grabby kid, their ancient nervous system screams OH NO. They go into fight mode.
Another example of how an overactive nervous system is the cause of big emotions is when your kid screams when you tell them you have to leave the park. They are not being “difficult.” Their nervous system just feels unsafe.
Thousands of years of evolution taught us that having personal power is how we survive. When we are forced into a car against our will, we feel like our power is at risk. Our kids are the same. Their triggered nervous system, not their logic, fights you all the way to the car.
Their big emotions are evidence of a healthy (but overactive) nervous system.
The solution to big emotions is not another parenting model or script. Soothing big emotions starts with soothing the nervous system.
The nervous system, like your child, is not logical.
You can’t convince your kid’s nervous system with words.
You have to soothe the part of your kids that is actually activated: Their nervous system.
My favorite self-soothing tool is Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT Tapping. During EFT, you tap soothing pressure points that send a direct signal to the nervous system that says: You’re OK. You’re safe.
Tapping bypasses logic and goes to the source.
When I teach a child EFT, I teach them to tap the EFT pressure points as they think about someone or something that recently made them angry or upset. As they tap I don’t tell them WHY they shouldn’t be upset, I let the points do the work for me.
As they talk and tap about how annoying, or rude, or mean this person is, they quickly go from angry and activated to “over it.”
One parent recently said, “It’s amazing how fast EFT deescalates my son.” I love that word: Deescalate.
Tapping de-escalates an emotional kid which lets them tap back into their calm curious selves. Instead of going into fight mode when mom says “time to leave the park.” they can see that: “Mom isn’t taking my power away. She’s trying to get me home to dinner!”
If you want to deescalate your kid’s big emotions, try this:
Little Kids: The next time your child is emotional, sit them on your lap. Begin tapping their thighs. Alternate tapping left right, left right, left right (which balances their brain hemispheres)
Instead of dismissing their feelings or fixing their problem, just listen to them.
Ask them: “What happened? Tell me more.” As they answer, tap their legs.
Their emotions might escalate for a minute, but as you tap you will notice their wave of anger or grief deescalate before your very eyes.
Older Kids and Teens: Ask them if they want to massage their collarbone point as they talk. I like to tell teens that the collarbone point is what athletes use before a game when they want to feel more powerful, confident, or calm. (In my kid’s course I share some fun Youtube videos of famous athletes tapping during their game!)
If they are down to tap, just massage or tap along with them as they tell you what happened.
If the kid is into it, you can tap all the points, but sticking to one or two is just as effective!
If you don’t have kids, try these techniques on yourself! You inherited the same overactive nervous system as them!
Most often, kids can clear big feelings really quickly.
If EFT doesn’t de-escalate their feelings, it means their feelings are rooted in deeper fears or unprocessed past experiences. This is where deeper training in EFT comes in handy.
In my EFT for Kids workshop, I teach sneaky EFT strategies to use with “difficult” emotions. In other words, I teach tools that soothe highly active nervous system.
Why does it seem like some kids are born with more sensitive emotions? I’ll share 3 reasons some kids are “born more anxious” next week.
Stay tuned.
Until then, tap and talk with the kids in your life.
Enjoy the difference in their temperament and choices!
Have questions? Email me at jackie@theeftmasterclass.com
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