How to use your client’s worst critique as your business superpower
What’s the worst feedback a client has ever given you?
What’s the worst thing they could say after buying your services?
I asked this to my students at last week’s workshop:
She’s preachy.
She lacks credibility.
He’s a know-it-all.
Into herself.
Unprofessional.
Some of these critiques will slide over you, but others make you nauseous knowing someone thinks that about you.
Early on in my practice, sitting in my dimly lit (infrequently visited) home office, in East Los Angeles, I received a feedback form that said: “Hard to understand her. She lacks confidence.”
Gut punch.
The comment kept me up at night.
The silver lining was that I had recently finished reading Debbie Ford’s Shadow Effect. In her book, she said that any attributes that make you ashamed are part of your shadow: “Insecure” and '“awkward” were in my shadow.
Your Shadow Self is the part of you that contains the attributes you feel ashamed about… the attributes you cover up to seem more credible, cool, or likable.
You tuck away the “awkward” side and try to sound more like your peers when a friend makes fun of you.
You hide the “know it all” when your class rolls their eyes when you raise your hand yet again.
You learn to stop asking for what you need when mom gossips about a relative: “She is such a needy and controlling wife. No man wants that!”
Controlling
Needy
Awkward
Angry
Crazy
Selfish
Shallow
Slutty
These were the words my students worked through as I taught them to redeem and reclaim the shadow parts of themselves.
Redeeming the shadow takes 3 steps:
Want to do them with me?
First, pick a word or phrase that would make you cringe if a client or colleague called it out in you. You probaly have a few, so pick one that you know holds you back in your career.
Then take these three steps.
Step 1: Own your shadow.
Release the shame and judgment you feel toward this quality by saying it aloud (to a mirror or safe person).
I’m insecure and awkward.
I’m insecure and awkward.
I’m insecure and awkward.
At first, your shame or resistance will feel like a 10 out of 10.
Take it a step further and tap the EFT pressure points as you say it.
EFT Tapping is my favorite tool since you tap pressure points that are proven to release shame, embarrassment, fear, and anxiety.
I asked students to tap and share their shadow words to a small group. Some quickly turned their Zoom video off and went on an extended bathroom break. But the students brave enough to voice their shadow experienced something profound: Freedom.
I’m a needy bitch.
I’m a know-it-all.
I’m controlling.
I’m not credible.
I’m so whiny and pathetic.
I’m a bad mom.
The words that had much power over them (often for years) quickly lost their steam. After only 5 minutes, they were laughing.
Listen, I can be insecure and awkward sometimes. Sue me!
I lack formal training and “credibility” but I am so good at what I do.
I have a whiny side that comes out when I don’t feel heard.
Traditional Shadow Work vs. EFT-based Shadow Work:
In Traditional shadow work, you voice your shadow words and talk through past events that make you feel ashamed.
In EFT-based Shadow Work, you tap as you talk through the moments that taught you to hide this part of you in the first place. EFT dissolves the fear, shame, and cringe 10x faster than just talking. Instead of FORCING yourself to own these shadows, you find yourself naturally OWNING (and laughing at) these attributes.
Step 2: Find the light side of your shadow.
Once you don’t cringe at the thought of someone calling out this quality in you, get curious.
Ask yourself: If I couldn’t feel shame or judgment, what would I see this shadow doing well?
Example Light Attributes of Shadow:
A preachy know-it-all is confident, intelligent, and self-assured; These are objectively positive qualities.
A whiny victim is great at knowing and voicing their needs and asking for help; Again each are objectively supportive qualities.
A selfish controlling person is great at putting their needs first and prioritizing self-care; These are great traits, especially for empathic people-pleasers who want more boundaries
Every shadow, no matter how shame-worthy has positive attributes. Once you get curious about these positive attributes, you can begin to leverage them in ways that work for you and your goals.
For example, the insecure imposter syndrome part of you can:
spot potential flaws,
be real about where you can improve, and
be attuned to other people’s opinions (negative or positive).
All of these qualities can be good in the right context.
I am leveraging my insecure imposter shadow right now. Want to know how? Great- Read step 3.
Don’t move forward with the next question until you can list 1-3 positive attributes of your shadow.
Step 3: Leverage your shadow in a way that supports you.
Ask yourself:
In what context would these qualities help me?
In what situation or relationship could I use this quality to help myself or someone else?
For example, I leverage my insecure imposter in my blog editing process: As I re-read my work, this part of me spots all my mistakes and points out where I sound awkward or clunky. I refine the article based on her edits.
I leverage my insecure shadow as my Chief Editor.
But be warned: Shadow Sides need boundaries. I don’t let this insecure flaw-attuned Editor run the show. I leverage her flaw fixation during editing only.
Not when I’m writing…
Not after I email it to you…
Not when I look in the mirror when I go upstairs to get ready for the day.
That is the power of shadow work: You take the quality that makes you hide in nauseating shame (insecurity) and you own it, get to know it, and put it to work in a way that actually works for you and your work.
Shadow sides have qualities you can leverage IN SPECIFIC CONTEXTS.
How can your shadow be your business superpower?
Shadow: The Desperate-For-Money Side of You
Before shadow tapping: You feel slimy and desperate while marketing yourself.
After shadow-tapping: That same quality (used in the light) can become your chief marketer as you authentically share how valuable your services are. Shame removed, you can share how important you think it is for people to buy your services.
Shadow: Your Bossy Bitch
Before shadow tapping: You come across as demanding and push people away who want to collaborate.
After shadow-tapping: That same quality (used in the light) can be your boundaries queen when a client tries to take advantage of you. Shame removed, you can be demanding when appropriate.
Shadow: Know-It-All
Before shadow tapping: Your fear of seeming like a know-it-all makes you hesitant to post social media videos.
After shadow-tapping: That same quality (used in the light) easily records informative videos without multiple takes. Shame removed, the know-it-all is your business’ confident spokeswoman.
When shame is removed, you’re free to leverage your shadow’s attributes in beneficial ways.
The part of me that held me back and kept me from publishing a book that was on my to-do list for 5 years, became the part of me that created and edited 9 online courses and an interactive Inner Child Ebook that generates passive income every week.
Let’s put it all together.
Write down your biggest insecurities or shame points in your career. List the qualities as shadow words.
Own the qualities with a trustworthy friend or trustworthy mirror (while tapping).
Once shame dissolves, identify the positive attributes.
Then, put those attributes to use in specific safe contexts.
If you feel stuck, it might mean you have some past events that make it feel impossible to a) own the quality or b) see this quality in a good light.
In my next post, I’ll teach you how to release the past events (often childhood moments) that taught you to feel shame and resistance in the first place.
Until then….
Keep tapping,
Jackie Viramontez
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