Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Not What You Think
Aren’t you just loving the flood of oxytocin?
Oxytocin? The natural bonding hormones I’m supposed to feel with my baby? You mean when he’s biting my nipple and using his free hand to twist the other? Umm, no.
Every time a nurse or fellow momma mentioned the surge of bonding hormones I was supposed to feel during breastfeeding, I felt a boiling sickness in my gut.
Since having my son, my main thoughts were: When’s his next nap? Why can’t he drink faster?
I dreaded his feeding windows. In darker moments, I dreaded his wake windows.
Was I an awful mom? Was there something wrong with me?
Or was his constant need for my body triggering feelings that began two decades before he was born?
It was 3 am and I was awake, again, to nurse my teething son.
If I’d stop nursing and give myself a break, he’d cry. If I adjusted my body to make my back more comfortable, he’d get upset.
It was hard to not start believing: It’s either his needs or my needs. I breathed through my numb lower back and sore boobs and let him get what he needed.
Why didn’t I just ween him you ask?
I felt equal parts desperate to reclaim my body autonomy and equal parts guilty depriving my son of the so-called immune boosting miracle liquid that toxic-mom-culture had pitted against the dirty word: formula.
Torn and sleep deprived, I did what I’ve trained hundreds of students to do: I started tapping.
Tap on the anger, the resentment, the guilt, the confusion. Then, since it took my son on average 60 min to nurse, I had time to follow the feeling deeper:
When was the first time I felt this way?
Oh dang.
I found myself at another 3am.
Nearly 20 years earlier.
I’m 16.
There’s a boy my own age basically crying for me to give him what he “needs.”
Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me doesn’t feel like it. Part of me feels guilty if I say no.
I guess it’s either his needs or mine.
I tapped and owned the confusion: Can I say no?
I tapped and owned the guilt: Am I a prude and a bad girlfriend if I say no?
I tapped and owned the rage: Stop! That doesn’t feel good! Doesn’t it matter what I want!?
I tapped and owned the self-disgust: l Stand up for yourself! Stop being a victim! Get up! Walk away!
The parallels were painfully obvious.
Breastfeeding was triggering unprocessed emotions from early unprocessed sexual experiences.
I’m not alone. As I’ve tapped with moms of all stages. I find that women with sexual trauma tend to have a harder time enjoying postpartum.
The constant demand for your body.
The lack of personal space.
The constant choice: their needs or mine?
I don’t want to call my 16 year old experiences with a boyfriend that I was madly in love with sexual trauma, but it was self-betrayal.
I said yes when my body was saying no.
Of course, I felt triggered as a new mom: Once again I was with a boy, my boy, who I was madly in love with and I was saying yes when part of my body (specifically my chest) was screaming please no, I need a break!
Self-sacrifice is a requirement of parenthood, but self-sacrifice can lead to anger, resentment, guilt, anxiety, and depression IF you don’t release the memories that make self-sacrifice feel like self betrayal.
Trauma makes self-sacrifice feel like self-betrayal.
How can you find root causes?
Ask yourself:
Where am I saying yes where I want to say no?
Instead of judging yourself ask these follow-ups: When have I said yes in the past?
Do I have unprocessed emotions about this memory?
If so, tap!
Tap: Even though I said yes, I love, honor, and forgive myself.
Tap: Even though I didn’t listen to my body back then, I can listen to my body and say no now.
As I held my son and tapped with my free arm, that inner teenager’s entire body began to relax.
After what felt like 30 minutes of emoting my rage, confusion and guilt, I felt a shift. I saw my younger self stand up from the bed and unapologetically tell the love of her life at that time: I love you but I’m not ready.
Cue: Applause!
Instead of seeing his anger, I saw him smile: “That’s ok. I still love you.”
Who knows if that’s how it would have gone down in real life, but my body felt lighter than it had since my son’s birth.
What I love about EFT is that it helps the brain separate present emotions from past emotions, which always leads to clarity.
Where I felt trapped in the rocking chair, I felt free to stand up. I no longer had an inner teen making me feel like I couldn’t say no.
I felt like an empowered adult who had choices (because I am!). No longer a disempowered teen, I could stop nursing if I chose. I could go to bed if I chose. I could take a break or supplement with formula if I chose.
Emotional freedom always creates less-emotional choices.
Free from the confusion and insecurities of my insecure younger self, I looked down at my son and removed his hand. Instant relief.
He cried in disappointment but I said: “It’s okay baby but that doesn’t feel good.”
That was it.
He went back to nursing and dare I say: I was flooded with a rush of oxytocin.
Maybe Postpartum Depression and anxiety is NOT just a chemical imbalance. Maybe its a signal from the body that some inner child within ourselves, is ready to be seen and heard.
If you want to dive deeper into how you can reparent yourself as you parent your children, I’ll be discussing postpartum anxiety and depression as part of 24 hours of tapping.
Join me live at 12:15 Saturday, July 14th for a practical and powerful deep dive into children being mirrors to deep unexpected healing.
When you sign up (it’s free) you’ll get the full list and schedule of speakers. It actually started this morning so you can start tapping as soon as right now. It seriously runs all 24 hours long by an EFT devotee Gene.
I hope you can join me live for my interview with him.
I’m always here to refer my favorite tools.
Until next time,
Jackie