The Opposite of Codependent is NOT Independent
If anyone was slotted to be codependent, ‘twas I.
Codependence is defined as one person relying on another for their emotional or physical well-being.
Sounds like childhood to me.
I’m an identical twin.
When we were five years old, we held hands as we watched our big brother die on the street in front of our home.
My mom became suicidal, drowning in anxiety that the same thing could happen again.
My dad became sober, swapping alcoholism for rage-aholism.
I was a professional eggshell-walker. Tiptoeing around busy streets, afraid of triggering my mom’s PTSD. Tiptoeing around my dad, afraid of triggering his terror.
My happiness relied on my brother not being dead #bigask. My peace relied on my dad not being angry #goodluck. My joy relied on my mom one day smiling again #yearsfromnow.
If they were upset or having a tantrum, I couldn’t breathe. If they were peaceful and happy, I could finally exhale.
My emotional state was directly linked to theirs.
Have you been there? Where you feel like it’s hard to relax if the people around you are upset, agitated or anxious? Do you need the people around you to be stable, in order to feel stable?
I hate saying it, but that is codependency.
I hated owning it, but I was codependent.
I set out on a mission to be independent. I wanted my feelings to be independent from my mom, my dad, and my twin.
I wanted to feel happy, even when they were sad.
I wanted to feel relaxed, even when they were anxious.
Even though I could literally feel their feelings in my body, I wanted to be free.
But here’s the truth: The opposite of codependence is not freedom or independence from other people’s emotions.
Seeking independence from other’s feelings will only cause you to hermit yourself away or shut your empathy OFF so you don’t have to feel other people’s pain.
The opposite of codependency is empowerment.
Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, says “Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. But rarely do they act."
Codependency reacts to someone’s mood.
Codependency edits themselves based on someone’s opinion.
Codependency adjusts who they are, what they say, and how they say it, based on someone else’s expectations.
Codependents don’t make their own choices. They respond based on other’s choices.
I believe that the majority of people don’t make it out of childhood without a degree of codependence. Agree?
But we’re all adults now: Adults have choices.
We can choose to:
a) Keep reacting based on other peoples emotions i.g. lash out when someone is angry with you, become defensive when someone judges you, get small when someone is threatened by you
OR
b) Start ACTING based on your higher intentions i.g. choose joy even when someone else guilt-trips you, be authentic even if it rubs someone the wrong way, forgive even when someone else doesn’t apologize
The journey from codependence to empowerment starts with your choices:
I choose to x, even though they are choosing y.
I choose to feel x, even though they feel y.
I choose to be x, even though they are being y.
I have to tell myself every day: Stop blaming. Start choosing. Stop reacting. Start acting.
This week, decide what values will inform your choices: Instead of letting other people’s feelings inform your reactions, let your values inspire your actions.
Next week, I’ll share my story of realizing that my anxiety was not anxiety at all, but codependence.
Sending you power,
Jackie Viramontez
Author & Master EFT/Tapping Trainer
If you want to learn how I broke my codependence for good, it was through the same blend of EFT/Tapping and Inner Child Work that I teach my students. Download the Heal Your Inner Child E-book here. Or Attend my next workshop.